Things aren’t going according to plan it seems. My schooling is messed up because of the transfer system. Some of the classes I’ve taken haven’t been applied so I have to start all over again! I can’t believe it!!!! I’m wasting so much time and money on my schooling, I just want to drop out and start working. I hate school so much! (>.<)
Then things at home are hectic. I constantly feel this heavy aura from my mother even though my sister does not. Julie doesn’t sense these things and is oblivious, but I know my mother is highly stressed. She’s depressed and upset because our financial situation is not ideal. I worry all the time that we’ll end up homeless or in a craphole or be foreclosed on for inability to make payments. Every little thing worries me. I constantly worry about money…What’s a girl to do?
And I’ve suddenly remembered a lot about my dad since going to Vegas. I miss him. I miss the old times when our family felt whole and he was around. Or at least when he was just around and my parents were divorced. I miss him…It’s hard. So many people think their lives are hard just because they’ll be away from their loved ones for a while, but I haven’t seen my father for almost 7 years, can you imagine how I must feel? Especially since the last few times I saw him, my dad’s cancer had spread and he looked at me with glassy eyes unable to decipher my role in his life or recall even his own name? Watching him attempt to relearn his own name drove me mad. I loved my father and it hurts that he passed in such a cruel way. I was unable to properly say good bye. I just had to deal with it. How annoying…
Life seems hard. I want to run away and drop out from school and my own life. I want to work hard for a paycheck to survive rather than work at school all day and work for meager restitution elsewhere. I hate it all…
I am so terrified that I’m screwed
Everything is falling apart and I’m scared something worse will happen.
Sometimes I feel like I’m too sensitive.
LA Date :)
Went all over LA with John today. It was supposed to be a double date, but sadly things did not work out :( I really enjoyed myself though. We got lost at first because for some reason, the gps recognizes Griffith Park but not Griffith Observatory. That tripped us up for half an hour, but it ended up well.
I have to say, I really enjoyed today. I looked at John as he slept on my lap at Angel’s Knoll and felt that I really like him. He’s been very patient with me and he’s always by my side. I laughed at myself on the way back from LA thinking about how, just 3 months ago, I thought I’d be single forever. Now, I’m dating a guy who really cherishes me and cares for me. Funny, this date fell on our one month, something we didn’t plan. I actually forgot about it really. We said we wouldn’t celebrate month-aversaries, but I guess it just happened. Funny. (^v^) John is just so great, and I thank God everyday that He has blessed me with John.
My boyfriend decided to change the door handle to my room because it was corroded so we couldn’t picklock it. Now, it has a real key hole so I can lock it with a key. I now feel like I have a bit of control in this house now. My mom went to me asking for the key saying she’d need it for when she sells the house, so I told her I’d give her my key if we moved out, but then she said she’d need it to check up on me. John has the other key, so I’m glad to have an excuse not to give her the key. She is so nosey. I hate it. I hate how much control she needs. I mean, fuck, I want the lock so that I keep my privacy. I don’t want her to barge in like she did yesterday. I’m almost 20. Let me grow up!!
I feel myself becoming dumber as I watch jersey shore. Yet, I really want to know what happens in the lives of morons who make stupid decisions and cry about it later like they were too retarded to know the consequences.
It’s 4:33 AM and I woke up crying—balling really. I didn’t think it affected me this badly. I don’t think I’ve ever woken up crying. Especially not full on crying where my eyes feel swollen. The song Memories by Panic! At the Disco is playing in my head and has been since I abruptly woke up. I had this dream where my entire notion of my friendship with her was validated and still, nothing was done. It was like she didn’t care. I got angry and told her something about ending it or her being stupid for doing this. I ran off and John came to talk to me. Even in my dreams I text him everything. Yet in the end, she begrudgingly apologized making me feel like the bad guy for making her do this. It was as if she thought she didn’t do anything wrong. Our entire friendship on the line and it was a hassle to her. She had to be talked into it too.
I wouldn’t take it so seriously, but it’s obvious to me that this would happen in real life. I would be made to feel like a horrible person that no one cares about and yet, I’d be the bad guy for saying something about it. I feel so horrible about myself. Why don’t I ever matter? Why is it high school all over again?
OK, I really hate it when stupid people begin speaking. I joke around with my sister’s boytoy and I swear, he takes everything too seriously. I don’t know if he’s either too into my sis to understand when I’m being sarcastic or if he’s really that idiotic at times. I worry why I liked this guy at first. (-_-“)
Even the old women who sit at the back of my class gossiping like high school girls and acting like they are the shit are annoying. They have bad attitudes and never stop talking. I can’t wait for this class to be over so I don’t have to listen to them anymore. There are so many stupid people around me that I cannot even fathom how I let them be near me… (O_O)
Be happy if I talk to you. It means I think you’re interesting and you are not as stupid as I might indicate. Unless I’m just merely tolerating your existence.
It’s funny how feelings come and go. I thought I really liked this guy, but maybe I was fooling myself. It’s been about a month and the feeling has died. I think I wanted it to be real so I clung to a feeling that didn’t exist anymore and fooled myself into thinking that it was what I wanted. In fact, he may have liked me for a short amount of time, but I think it’s passed for him too. I think he’s moved onto my little sister, which makes me feel a bit inadequate, but I can manage by myself. I am amazing no matter what. I don’t need to judge myself by the attention I can grab. I don’t like attention, although it can be very ego-boosting. I just want to know exactly what is out there for me. I’m almost 20, but life seems to be at a standstill while I await my life to begin for the first time.
I love being that awesome chick who can say anything and not care what people think. I have done weird things that guys think is amazing and I am that girl that can hang with guys and not make it awkward. I don’t attract all of the guys, but I can attract quite a few. I’m glad too because I feel good about myself and don’t have to worry about unwanted attention. I love who I’ve become since high school and I wouldn’t want to change that!