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Update 6/7/12
Things aren’t going according to plan it seems. My schooling is messed up because of the transfer system. Some of the classes I’ve taken haven’t been applied so I have to start all over again! I can’t believe it!!!! I’m wasting so much time and money on my schooling, I just want to drop out and start working. I hate school so much! (>.<)
Then things at home are hectic. I constantly feel this heavy aura from my mother even though my sister does not. Julie doesn’t sense these things and is oblivious, but I know my mother is highly stressed. She’s depressed and upset because our financial situation is not ideal. I worry all the time that we’ll end up homeless or in a craphole or be foreclosed on for inability to make payments. Every little thing worries me. I constantly worry about money…What’s a girl to do?
And I’ve suddenly remembered a lot about my dad since going to Vegas. I miss him. I miss the old times when our family felt whole and he was around. Or at least when he was just around and my parents were divorced. I miss him…It’s hard. So many people think their lives are hard just because they’ll be away from their loved ones for a while, but I haven’t seen my father for almost 7 years, can you imagine how I must feel? Especially since the last few times I saw him, my dad’s cancer had spread and he looked at me with glassy eyes unable to decipher my role in his life or recall even his own name? Watching him attempt to relearn his own name drove me mad. I loved my father and it hurts that he passed in such a cruel way. I was unable to properly say good bye. I just had to deal with it. How annoying…
Life seems hard. I want to run away and drop out from school and my own life. I want to work hard for a paycheck to survive rather than work at school all day and work for meager restitution elsewhere. I hate it all…